Cicatrix
by HanaKoryuo
Summary: "You stabbed me in the chest as I did years ago. We both got a cicatrix now."


**_**N.A.**_**

 _ _Placed during the hypothetical moment Izaya's hospitalized after Durarara'a aftermath.__

 _Short fanfiction I wrote two years ago for a DRRR event on Tumblr._

 ** _ **Cicatrix**_**

 _"I am moving on. You should do the same."_  
 _He was floating in that annoying drowsy state when it happened. Chapped lips pecked at his own and he felt like dying, melting with the first human contact after so long._  
 _The voice spoke again but as far as he could remember, it was just something like "End this fucking game, Izaya. You're human as anyone else, don't you see.". The voice was angry and even if he knew the reason, he felt bothered by the revelation of something so obvious._  
 _"Ah... you can't be... Shizu-chan. You're a dream."_  
 _"What the hell, I'm not a dream."_  
 _The bed squeaked under the pressure of hands placed at both his sides; he felt trapped between the body of the man and his own, actually unable to move._  
 _"Shizu-chan... won't ever kiss me."_  
 _"..."_  
 _"And he won't ever be so... human."_  
 _The frustration rose in his chest and glinted in watery eyes. He didn't (he did) want this. It was illogic, weird. It shouldn't happen. Even though he knew it._  
 _That scene repeated thousend times in his mind.  
The same wet kiss, the same words._

There are different kinds of cicatrices. The ones that leave just a scar, as the result of formation and contraction of fibrous tissue in a wound; the ones that leave just a slight mark, something almost invisible to the eyes... But the worst one is the cicatrix no one can see but you; a scar able to burn you from the inside and tear apart your lungs at any single shaky breath and crush your heart in a deadly grip. It's not a scratch you can brush it off with a silly excuse, neither a feeling of sickness that can be mistaken with a bad cold. It's inside of you, it devours you and you, hating yourself and blaming the fragility of your body, keep living as if everything's ok. _Living in a lie_.

This is Izaya's current condition after the end of the fight with Shizuo. It's been months since he was hospitalized and even if the most of the wounds healed and his arms are slowly recovering, Izaya's not concerned about the scars will inevitably mark his body. Either by the fact he won't walk again anymore -ignoring the fact this will happen because he decided it.

Simply as that, he's bothered by the cicatrix crossing his chest, tightening it to such an extent he feels like suffocating even in his light sleep.  
"Ah ah ah, this is the way you fail me, body." If pressing a hand onto the chest, his tapered fingers can feel the jagged-edge of the scar stinging the pale skin. But it's just his imagination, Izaya knows it as he's aware it is nothing but insanity, letting in and out of him along with scattered pieces of memories.

 _It's been months he's waiting for that day to come_. Between the drowsiness caused by the meds and the coming and going of nurses and doctors, the informant knows the moment is close. Despite the wry smile plastered on his face, his reddish eyes are the ones of who's waiting for the Death to reap his soul.

When the awaited day comes, the man is sleeping. Shizuo stares at the ghosts of Izaya's arms, lingering on the I.V. cannulas inserted into the pale skin before daring to look at the sleeping face. And as soon as he does so, Izaya opens his eyes and it's like their last fight was just yesterday, it's like they're still dancing over the edge of Death and Life as they did till now. But it's an illusion because something changed and the glint in Shizuo's eyes proves it, the human side Izaya's always denied to see (and love). He's changed too and the annoying pummelling of his heart brings him back to reality.

 _It's the first face-to-face after months, after a brief moment of weakness the information broker would like to forget._

"You finally showed up, Shizu-chan. It's time to end what the Russian girl hindered." There's no bitterness in his voice, just the mere awareness of what said words implied. A hail of bravery seems washing away the agony in which Izaya's drowning for too long, the feeling is nice and comfortable appearances aside.

Nonetheless there's still a question roaming in his head, a question he would like to answer -or Shizuo to answer it since it reguarded him directly. It isn't the first time the blond man shows up at the hospital, but he never crossed the doorway of Izaya's room. Just peeked and ran away, like a child caught doing something wrong.

 _Was it because of what happened the very first time Shizuo visited him?_

"Probably. But not like you think." Hands tucked in the pockets, Shizuo sighs heavily. He would like smoking to calm down his nerves, but it's not allowed in hospital rooms and he knows it's not healthy smoking in front of a patient. Even if, who cares, it's just Izaya, he's not behaving because of the ghost of the damn flea.

"No?" Izaya raises a brow, trying to adjust himself better onto the pillows. He's still too weak and the attempt makes his bones creaking, accompanied by a terrible grimace. "So were you just going for a stroll in a hospital? What a weird hobby~"  
Shizuo rolls his eyes in response. Absolutely he didn't miss Izaya's sarcasm and judging by the evil tongue of the other the damn flea is totally fine. A leopard can't change its spots, after all.  
"Shut the fuck up." He mutters, sitting on a side of the bed and trying to ignore the driving need of smoking. Izaya's presence is the only one able to push him far beyond his (non-existing) limits, even if not pointing a knife at him. Even if harmless as he seems to be right now, his tongue bites and Shizuo just wants to tear it apart once for all.  
"Good manners entail the explanation of someone's sudden visit. Which means I am really curious to know what reason brought Shizu-chan to hit and run during the last four- no, five, if memory serves, mon-"

Words die in his throat as a stranger tongue forces its way through his lips. As it already happened once, Shizuo silences him with a kiss and Izaya simply replies with all the strenght his weak body is capable of. The cicatrix digs in his chest at each rough movement of their tongues intertwining with one another. Wild animals, animals that found another way to fight again.

 _"Do you think I won? This is why you're letting yourself pitifully dying here, Izaya-kun? It didn't end. It won't ever fucking end."_  
 _Izaya didn't look at Shizuo when the blond seemed to be on the edge of a violent outburst. Uninterested, unable to move a single limb, he looked away. Aware it made Shizuo angrier._  
 _"I am human and I hate myself for being a monster. You should know this more than anyone else, bastard."_

"We need to end this, Shizuo." Breathless, Izaya is the first one who speaks when the kiss breaks. The blond glares down at him, buffled by the fact Izaya didn't use the childish suffix as usually. Indeed the black haired man has never sounded so serious when speaking up to him. "What do you want from me?" _Aren't you satisfed yet?_ His ego wants to ask, but his pride doesn't let him to give in again. He prefers being killed by Shizuo than having the monster acting the role of the human being with him. They're both monsters and humans at the same time, Izaya's aware of this, he's been always aware of this. He's the real monster between them probably. Or the most human following Shinra's line of thinking, the most brittle being and Shizuo knows this. He can see the truth finally.

 _"You know, Shizu-chan... I thought I would win even if you killed me, because I would make people see the monster you are. But I was wrong."_  
 _"Ah? What d'you mean?"_  
 _"I wasn't able to love the humanity of a monster, so my plan would fail anyway. What a shame."_  
 _"... Cut it with the craps, dammit. You make me feel sick."_  
 _"So you do."_

"You need to move on. I've told ya, already." Shizuo snorts, scratching the back of the neck nervously. "I did it, you can do that too. You're not entirely stupid." Of course Izaya's not stupid and there's no need Shizuo stresses something so obvious again; the same words keep waltzing here and there, like fairies whispering at his ears. Day and night, the informant hears over and over Shizuo's words of that day they first kissed.

 _"I kissed you just because you were saying 'shits."_  
 _"...So does Shizu-chan kiss everyone say 'shits?"_  
 _"Go to hell, Izaya."_  
 _"I would but I don't believe in God or Devil. Well, why don't you ask Celty to reap my soul? I really would like to see how Valhalla looks."_

"That's how I asked you to end this. Go away. There's no need to see each others anymore, right?" Izaya says flatly, slowly brething while the eyes contact break. The pain in his chest grows of intensity, bitter consequence of his statement; if he doesn't let go of Shizuo, he won't probably able to move on as the other suggested. He won't be anymore Orihara Izaya, the one everyone's always known. Maybe he's evolving too like Ryugamine-kun did, maybe the final separation will help him out to develop a new interesting role in his beloved world... Who can tell this?  
All he knows, all he wants, it's Shizuo to go definitively away. His existence signed him more than expected, the pain cursing him is the key of the mystery.

Shizuo doesn't object, only takes off his sunglasses and tucks it in the jacket's pocket. His fingers inevitably scratch the plastic shell of the cigarette's package, but still he restrains himself from picking up one. Instead he lands the same hand over Izaya's chest, touching the exact point the source of informant's pain radiates. "You're just a coward. It won't stop hurting this way. It won't ever."  
Despite the seriousness of the moment, a mocking laugh welcomes the objection. "I know it, Shizu-chan." Izaya freely admits, tilting slightly the head as the right hand slowly reaches to touch Shizuo's. The simple movement causes him pain, but he ignores it. It's a process he's used to. "So what do you suggest? Moving on together?"

 _"I won't ever say I'm sorry."_  
 _"Neither I do, Shizu-chan."_  
 _"Anything probably will ever change."_  
 _"My, my, Shizu-chan's so serious, you're scaring me~"_  
 _"Shut up. Tsk... I've always thought we were similar in some way..."_  
 _"It's just your imagination, Shizu-chan."_  
 _He had always thought that too, since the first day they met._

Shizuo leans closer, enough there's just a breath separting their lips. "It's up to you."

 _"We're even now, Shizu-chan..."_  
 _"What'd you mean?"_  
 _"You stabbed me in the chest as I did years ago. We both got a cicatrix now."_  
 _"And so?"_

Eyes closed shut, an exhausted expression darts over the pale man's face. It always makes him tired fighting Shizuo, speacially when he looks annoyingly smart with his simple way of thinking. It's something he won't ever stand. But at the same time he knows he can't move on alone, it will let him lingering between past and future without really helping him out to evolve as expected. Because Shizuo will always exist even if not close to him, Ikebukuro will always exist and the past will be always stuck to his mind -this suddenly makes him think about what he said to Kida once. _The past will always follow you_.  
So he prefers accepting that kind of compromise rather than living with the consciousness of a pain invisible to the eyes. Well, Shizuo can see it, but he has monstrous eyes probably... Old habits, old thoughts won't ever change at the end.  
He has to accept, even if he still hates the other.  
"I hate you, Shizu-chan." He whispers, filling the gap separating their lips with a kiss. Shizuo supports him wrapping an arm around Izaya's shoulders.  
"I hate you too."


End file.
